Teaching Kindness and Empathy (without Shame and Excessive Guilt)
Practicing kindness is generally a natural human response. I believe that we all desire to be kind just as much as we desire to be treated kindly. The world, experiences, and trauma can get in the way of this natural response. Sometimes, kindness is not something that needs too much prodding or encouragement. However, it is something that should be practiced regularly to ensure that it is at the forefront of your child’s mind (and really, all of our minds) consistently. In some circumstances, kindness and it’s close cousin, empathy, may not come as easily for some children. Witnessing and feeling someone else’s pain or difficult feelings, “stepping in their shoes” in other words, can be unpleasant and uncomfortable. With that in mind, it may not come as a surprise to us if a child’s first reaction to other people’s negative feelings or pain is to move a way from them or force a barrier between themselves and that person. Barriers all too often can be put in place by harshness and/or cruel words and behaviors. This reaction can be a natural, self-protective behavior so they do not have to feel more hardship or discomfort than necessary.
From some things we hear and even witness, it might feel like kindness doesn’t come very naturally to children and adolescents (or any human for that matter). When we are noticing our kids straying away from their natural inclination to be kind and empathic, we can take an active role in encouraging kindness and empathy and also in instilling a belief system that reflects these characteristics in them as individuals.
Below are ways that you and your family can be active in cultivating a culture of kindness and empathy in your home and in your children, and even, the world.
1. The Empathy Wall. This is where you can be creative! Design and create a wall in your home that displays little notes or post-its showing where you’ve noticed your child being kinder and more empathic. This is a fun, visual reward that highlights what they are doing well in this area instead of shaming, guilting, or over disciplining them for not choosing kindness.
2. Modeling. Want your children to be more kind and empathic? They need to see you being the model for that way of life. Not just saying it, living it. A good gage and practice of this is monitoring the way you speak to other people on the road while driving. Challenge yourself to step in the other driver’s shoes instead of honking, yelling, calling names, or becoming angry at the stranger who probably just make a simple, human mistake.
3. Active Listening Modeling, Practice, and Teaching: Ask your child or their family members how they are and truly listen to their response and then reflect back to them what you heard them say. They will know that you heard and understood them and they will feel how good it feels to be listened to and understood in that way. Encourage them to pass that type of listening and reflecting to their friends and family members as well. It can do wonders for their relationships as well as their empathy development.
4. Hold a “Random Act of Kindness” day, week, or month! Make intentions each morning focused on how they can surprise others with kindness that they were not expecting. A fun post-it note, a loving text, an act of service, an encouraging word.
5. Read child stories that come from different perspectives and cultures of characters and also books that show representations of themselves and point out how they could’ve felt or experienced things similar to the character.
6. Encourage your child to make a face showing what a feeling would look like. Make a face or use body language that reflects how a person may feel instead of asking them to only use words.
I wanted the focus of this blog post to be centered on what TO start doing instead of all the do not’s. Though, it is important to glimpse into what to avoid. My top suggestion on what to avoid in this process is using shame when you are trying to teach.
Back away from using shame and punishment as a way to instill kindness and empathy and to your child. Decades of research shows us that shame does not make us better people. It does not make us reach out to and support victims. Shame does not make us care more. Shame does make us respond in ways that appear uncaring or aggressive, or even sociopathic. So instead of using shame and guilt to teach our children (ie. telling them that they are bad boy or a bad girl, that they are “messed up” or in someway defective ), speak with them calmly and in centered way. Explain to them the feelings that the other person may be having and how they might feel if it was themselves in those shoes. Also, speak to them about why it may be hard or uncomfortable stepping into another person’s feelings. There is no room and no place for shame in these conversations or activities. Shame will only lead to more shame, more anger, more aggression towards themselves or towards others. It will only hinder your efforts to teach and help your child improve in this area. Shame is out! Adding positive activities and change is in!
