Helping Teens Ask for Help Part 1: Why it’s so hard!

As a school-based mental health counselor and play therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how our teens and pre-teens struggle with asking for what they need from teachers, counselors, school administration, and even their own parents. This is a huge opportunity for brain health and skill development. Developmentally, our teens are coasting somewhere between childhood and young adulthood. The skill of asking for help as a young adult doesn’t come naturally, it is obtained through experience, trial and error, and guidance. Especially when they’re asking for help outside of their family (and let’s be honest, sometimes within their family). They may not have the language yet to clearly express their needs and then, when they have the language, sometimes they don’t yet have the confidence needed to follow through on actually asking. Then, asking in a way that makes it probable for them to get their needs met after asking is another area for growth. When you break it down, it can get a bit complex! My next blogs will address two important components. First, helping our teens identify what they need and then second, asking for what they need and asking in a way that is received and understood well by the person they are asking. This gives them a chance of actually having their needs understood, addressed and met. These are critical skills for teens and pre-teens to learn and these skills will aid them in every area of their lives moving forward.

The following are a few reasons our teens and pre-teens may have difficulty asking for help:

1) Believing that needing help is a sign of weakness.

2) Not believing they deserve help or support. Perhaps that other people’s problems are more important than theirs.

3) Believing that they can handle everything alone. It’s interesting because when our teens recall helping others, they see that it feels good to support a friend in need . It is hard for them to translate that feeling to themselves when they are in need of help from others.

4)Not yet having the skills to be able to speak up and ask for help. This is what we will focus on in this blog series.

4) They may wait for someone else to notice that they are in need. Maybe they are sending small, almost invisible “hints” that they need something. Then, they may wait for the other person to make the first move of offering help. This lets them not have to really be vulnerable and speak directly about their need.

5) They can give up easily after a discouraging failed attempt. If they do ask for help and they don’t receive it in a way that’s acceptable to them, they may not ask someone else that could be more helpful. Or maybe it’s too difficult or overwhelming to figure out who can help them in the first place.

6) Being used to instant gratification. Today’s generation of teens and pre-teens have so many things that are “only a click away”. Their brains become used to not having to wait for an answer or help. We as adults become accustomed to this ease as well. In reality though, true, lasting help isn’t always a simple click away.

In my next few blog posts, I will address this challenge our teens face and need skills around and offer solutions to building those skills.

Stay tuned and check often for new mental health material from Beach Cottage Counseling!