Helping Teens Ask for Help Part 2: Identifying What You Need
Today we are addressing the following challenge: Teens and Pre-teens developing the first skills required to effectively ask for help.
The first step involves the teen learning how to identify what they need. How many times have you asked your teen, “How can I support you? What do you need? What do you think will make this better?”, and they say, “I don’t know”. They’re not being bratty or hormonal. They really are lacking the skill to voice the need. That is the developmental factor in all of this. When they are little, they go through playing out their needs or acting our their needs. Then they begin to speak out their needs. It’s a big leap time for them and it is important for us to lead them in learning how to clearly identify what they need.
Here are three ways to help your child identify what they need:
Make a habit of “tuning in" to how you feel in different situations throughout the day. You might notice that you feel excited after making plans to go somewhere with a friend. Or that you feel nervous before an exam. You might be relaxed when listening to music, inspired by an art exhibit, or pleased when a friend gives you a compliment. Simply notice whatever emotion you feel, then name that emotion in your mind. It only takes a second to do this, but it's great practice. Notice that each emotion passes and makes room for the next experience.
Rate how strong the feeling is. After you notice and name an emotion, take it a step further: Rate how strongly you feel the emotion on a scale of 1–10, with 1 being the mildest feeling and 10 the most intense.
Share your feelings with the people closest to you. This is the best way to practice putting emotions into words, a skill that helps us feel closer to friends, boyfriends or girlfriends, parents, coaches — anyone. Make it a daily practice to share feelings with a friend or family member. You could share something that's quite personal or something that's simply an everyday emotion. Simply stating “I am feeling ______” begins significant development and changes in the brain.
I encourage everyone: children, teens, and adults alike, to create the pause in their life to do this. Get quiet, no distractions, and ask yourself, “How do I feel? What do I need today?” Listen for your wise voice inside to gently nudge you towards an answer.
Coming next: 3 Ways to Build Skills in Communication Development for Teens
